Do Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers? All I know is that they suck a lot of blood sausage. I'm constantly being pressured to "cut back on littering", "purchase a fuel efficient vehicle" and (my personal favorite)... "Not eat meat". My response: Fuck you.
The fact of the matter is, we as a race must eat meat to state our dominance on all living beings. If we stop eating beef, cows may feel stronger and less vulnerable to becoming steak, causing arrogance and incompetence. They may even attack. What we're really doing by eating meat is protecting the children. Think about that the next time you order the vegan dish. Fucking vagine.
...Not that it matters...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
When You WIsh Upon A Star...
It was 3:00pm. I was at Sonic. She looked gorgeous in her employee uniform.
In reality, she never would have spoken to me without the series of unbelievably unrealistic lies I spurted while she took my order. It's her fault for being stupid. I wanted nothing more than to paint her back with penis paint. I had to make this work, and it had to happen tonight. She wasn't the prettiest flower on Grandmas tombstone, but she had the sexiest ass I had ever seen. I figured, even if she was hanging like a bridal vale I would simply pretend to slip and enter Mr. and Mrs. browns home for a short, but enjoyable visit.
At first, I was being selfish. Until I decided that me and my friend should perform an act that we've been planning for months, and she was the prime candidate. Houdini, here I come!
*TO BE UPDATED*
In reality, she never would have spoken to me without the series of unbelievably unrealistic lies I spurted while she took my order. It's her fault for being stupid. I wanted nothing more than to paint her back with penis paint. I had to make this work, and it had to happen tonight. She wasn't the prettiest flower on Grandmas tombstone, but she had the sexiest ass I had ever seen. I figured, even if she was hanging like a bridal vale I would simply pretend to slip and enter Mr. and Mrs. browns home for a short, but enjoyable visit.
At first, I was being selfish. Until I decided that me and my friend should perform an act that we've been planning for months, and she was the prime candidate. Houdini, here I come!
*TO BE UPDATED*
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Isn't It Amazing?
An unsettling situation indeed.
This Morning...
The beast I shared a taxi cab with was a hidious one. If you could see her personality it would look like a rabid dog attacked the fat removed via liposuction from an obese patients ass. With acne. And terrible, eye watering, skin melting, cheese/fish/old-mans-balls and ass breath. Usually when a girl develops in to a monstrosity as such, she develops one of a handful of decent qualities (whether physical or non-physical) such as:
1: Huge tits.
Huge breasts more than make up for a pan face or a nonexistent personality. I'd rather stare at chest-puppets than "talk" anyway, so it's a win/win as far as I'm concerned. The only issue with huge tits is that they usually come at the cost of constant complaining. Women with huge breasts feel they can justify complaining about back problems, compensating for their bitching with giant melons. It works.
2: Nice Ass.
Look at it this way, if she has a nice ass, fuck her doggy style. The only down side is that if you're in to money shots, you better have a load large enough to cover her face before you lose your boner.
3: Good Personality.
Like anybody really gives a shit about a girls personality.
An unsettling situation indeed.
This Afternoon...
Woman piss me off. I'm not sexist or anything, but ladies, know your place! Acknowledge that I, man, have dominion over you, and obey my commands. When I say give me your number, that means give me your number. Sample situation:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Girl sitting at the bar.
ME
Hey baby, you wanna' party like it's 1999?
GIRL
It's 2010 asshole, fuck off.
ME
Whoa whoa whoa, watch the hostility tootz.
GIRL
Leave me alone, asshole.
NOTE: She mustn't have seen the movie beetlejuice. Say asshole again, bitch.
ME
Give me your number.
GIRL
No asshole.
I pull out a gun and fire a warning shot at the bartender.
ME
Give me your number. Now.
GIRL
What the fuck! Are you crazy! Leave me alone!
I fire at shot at her ankle. She bleeds, crying, screaming for help.
ME
Number. Now.
GIRL
5..4 ugh, 0.. 5..5..5..9 ahh, 8, 5...0
ME
Thanks! Call you at 7!
End.
Also, plastic surgery is stupid. Megan Fox looks like she's had more plastic surgery then the entire porn industries chest region. Seriously, she went to Hollywood and found every nonexistent flaw to fix. She use to be tolerably cute, now she looks like skeletor's outfit. A jackal with leather skin that heckles as he pranks children in the wilderness, luring them in with promises of free porn and enjoyment but infesting their computers with a damn virus I haven't been able to get rid of, and of course Geek Squad couldn't help, even after spending $100 on their stupid deposit. What's with that by the way? And how come when I call a 900 number it comes up as a plumbing company on the bill. Now nobody believes I called a sex chat line. Also, did I actually get that girl "wetter than the inside of a water bottle" or was she bluffing? What the fuck is wrong with "Horny Teenage Hermaphrodite Sex Line" on the bill? Why does it have to be "Bills Excellent Plumbing". That honestly sounds worse... I don't have a damn house, why am I calling a plumber? What if my friends think it's a gay stripper service? What if it is a gay stripper service..? Oh shit... Ugh... Back on topic: A peacock with a bony facial structure resembling that of an aids riddled prostitute, not to mention the lips of a Nigerian field worker. Flies and all. I don't know if a guy should have sex with her or use her vagina as a vacuum. Megan Fox, that is.
I have to stand my ground: Reproductive organs with a mouth (which coincidentally can also be used to pleasure a man... when not speaking and containing a penis, of course. That was my suggestion to Oxford as the new definition for woman. Ok, maybe I am sexist. I blame the media.
Peace & Love, Lee. Oh, send your hate mail and comments to leecooper@1guy0job.com
This Morning...
The beast I shared a taxi cab with was a hidious one. If you could see her personality it would look like a rabid dog attacked the fat removed via liposuction from an obese patients ass. With acne. And terrible, eye watering, skin melting, cheese/fish/old-mans-balls and ass breath. Usually when a girl develops in to a monstrosity as such, she develops one of a handful of decent qualities (whether physical or non-physical) such as:
1: Huge tits.
Huge breasts more than make up for a pan face or a nonexistent personality. I'd rather stare at chest-puppets than "talk" anyway, so it's a win/win as far as I'm concerned. The only issue with huge tits is that they usually come at the cost of constant complaining. Women with huge breasts feel they can justify complaining about back problems, compensating for their bitching with giant melons. It works.
2: Nice Ass.
Look at it this way, if she has a nice ass, fuck her doggy style. The only down side is that if you're in to money shots, you better have a load large enough to cover her face before you lose your boner.
3: Good Personality.
Like anybody really gives a shit about a girls personality.
An unsettling situation indeed.
This Afternoon...
Woman piss me off. I'm not sexist or anything, but ladies, know your place! Acknowledge that I, man, have dominion over you, and obey my commands. When I say give me your number, that means give me your number. Sample situation:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Girl sitting at the bar.
ME
Hey baby, you wanna' party like it's 1999?
GIRL
It's 2010 asshole, fuck off.
ME
Whoa whoa whoa, watch the hostility tootz.
GIRL
Leave me alone, asshole.
NOTE: She mustn't have seen the movie beetlejuice. Say asshole again, bitch.
ME
Give me your number.
GIRL
No asshole.
I pull out a gun and fire a warning shot at the bartender.
ME
Give me your number. Now.
GIRL
What the fuck! Are you crazy! Leave me alone!
I fire at shot at her ankle. She bleeds, crying, screaming for help.
ME
Number. Now.
GIRL
5..4 ugh, 0.. 5..5..5..9 ahh, 8, 5...0
ME
Thanks! Call you at 7!
End.
Also, plastic surgery is stupid. Megan Fox looks like she's had more plastic surgery then the entire porn industries chest region. Seriously, she went to Hollywood and found every nonexistent flaw to fix. She use to be tolerably cute, now she looks like skeletor's outfit. A jackal with leather skin that heckles as he pranks children in the wilderness, luring them in with promises of free porn and enjoyment but infesting their computers with a damn virus I haven't been able to get rid of, and of course Geek Squad couldn't help, even after spending $100 on their stupid deposit. What's with that by the way? And how come when I call a 900 number it comes up as a plumbing company on the bill. Now nobody believes I called a sex chat line. Also, did I actually get that girl "wetter than the inside of a water bottle" or was she bluffing? What the fuck is wrong with "Horny Teenage Hermaphrodite Sex Line" on the bill? Why does it have to be "Bills Excellent Plumbing". That honestly sounds worse... I don't have a damn house, why am I calling a plumber? What if my friends think it's a gay stripper service? What if it is a gay stripper service..? Oh shit... Ugh... Back on topic: A peacock with a bony facial structure resembling that of an aids riddled prostitute, not to mention the lips of a Nigerian field worker. Flies and all. I don't know if a guy should have sex with her or use her vagina as a vacuum. Megan Fox, that is.
I have to stand my ground: Reproductive organs with a mouth (which coincidentally can also be used to pleasure a man... when not speaking and containing a penis, of course. That was my suggestion to Oxford as the new definition for woman. Ok, maybe I am sexist. I blame the media.
Peace & Love, Lee. Oh, send your hate mail and comments to leecooper@1guy0job.com
Saturday, October 9, 2010
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