My philosophy has always been that when a woman feels comfortable enough to fart and burp around you, then it's time to bail. But, what do you do if she feels that comfortable from day one? Well, she's probably a real classy girl, so I suggest keepin' her around for good. Maybe slap a ring on that finger and let her carry your last name proudly as you boast a picture of her smiling in your wallet. Not. I bet her breath smells of cigarettes and shame, doesn't it? Are these the lips you want kissing your future children? Regardless of her binge drinking, promiscuity and possible (and quite likely) father issues, it's best to avoid these slags at all costs. Why you ask? Well, I can't really give specific dating advice as my last date was with a magazine article about bras and their different cup sizes, however I am an expert at pretending to be an expert, so here we are:
1: Sluts may be fun at night, but they are only worth a night of fun. Example: You bring skanky-mc-suck-a-lot to your apartment and next thing you know she has a toothbrush grazing yours in the cup that once held only your own mouth cleaning utensils. Wait, maybe germaphobia is something you weren't mentally scarred with by uncaring parents and blasphemous Jewish television... Ok, say she leaves behind a bloody string of memorabilia from her latest abominate draining. Now what? Exactly, the solution has already been avoided when you brought that wretched wench in to your humble abode.
2: Hygienic habits often reflect our true human nature. Example: You bring slutty-mc-swallow to your apartment and next thing you know she has her skid-mark stained panties hanging on your shower curtain. Maybe touching disgusting specimens of diarrheal leakage doesn't bother you? God damn you must be a disgusting son of a bitch. Anyway, if that image of the gruesome outcome of fast foot doesn't put you off, doesn't seeing her everyday get old? Don't you wish you could kick her in the ovaries and call it a day? No? Jesus, you are almost beyond repair.
3: Love is what you call the combination of lust and boredom. Example: You're getting your nob polished by a sweet, almost too delightful to be slutty (but totally is) skank in the bathroom of a TGI Fridays when you accidentally blurt out the L word. And I ain't talkin' bout 'Lollipop". What happens when she shows you what she got in da' candy shop and you love it? Well, first of all DON'T PANIC. Remain calm, and we can get through this together. Cum, zip, run. Or, "CZR" (pronounced caesar). It's that simple. Don't hesitate, procrastinate, anticipate or levitate. Cum, zip, run.
For more information on how to be a total jack-hole, and probably stay a virgin well in to your 30's (where it ultimately becomes creepy and awkward to even attempt to date a self respecting and dignity having woman), follow the instructions at the bottom of this post.
I'm Lee. But my friends call me Lee. Aren't I a colorful individual? If you'd like to bombard me with hate mail, please send a message to leecooper@1guy0job.com
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