I'm Into Nice Teeth... And Sex N' Stuff Too!

My philosophy has always been that when a woman feels comfortable enough to fart and burp around you, then it's time to bail. But, what do you do if she feels that comfortable from day one? Well, she's probably a real classy girl, so I suggest keepin' her around for good. Maybe slap a ring on that finger and let her carry your last name proudly as you boast a picture of her smiling in your wallet. Not. I bet her breath smells of cigarettes and shame, doesn't it? Are these the lips you want kissing your future children? Regardless of her binge drinking, promiscuity and possible (and quite likely) father issues, it's best to avoid these slags at all costs. Why you ask? Well, I can't really give specific dating advice as my last date was with a magazine article about bras and their different cup sizes, however I am an expert at pretending to be an expert, so here we are:

1: Sluts may be fun at night, but they are only worth a night of fun. Example: You bring skanky-mc-suck-a-lot to your apartment and next thing you know she has a toothbrush grazing yours in the cup that once held only your own mouth cleaning utensils. Wait, maybe germaphobia is something you weren't mentally scarred with by uncaring parents and blasphemous Jewish television... Ok, say she leaves behind a bloody string of memorabilia from her latest abominate draining. Now what? Exactly, the solution has already been avoided when you brought that wretched wench in to your humble abode.

2: Hygienic habits often reflect our true human nature. Example: You bring slutty-mc-swallow to your apartment and next thing you know she has her skid-mark stained panties hanging on your shower curtain. Maybe touching disgusting specimens of diarrheal leakage doesn't bother you? God damn you must be a disgusting son of a bitch. Anyway, if that image of the gruesome outcome of fast foot doesn't put you off, doesn't seeing her everyday get old? Don't you wish you could kick her in the ovaries and call it a day? No? Jesus, you are almost beyond repair.

3: Love is what you call the combination of lust and boredom. Example: You're getting your nob polished by a sweet, almost too delightful to be slutty (but totally is) skank in the bathroom of a TGI Fridays when you accidentally blurt out the L word. And I ain't talkin' bout 'Lollipop". What happens when she shows you what she got in da' candy shop and you love it? Well, first of all DON'T PANIC. Remain calm, and we can get through this together. Cum, zip, run. Or, "CZR" (pronounced caesar). It's that simple. Don't hesitate, procrastinate, anticipate or levitate. Cum, zip, run.

For more information on how to be a total jack-hole, and probably stay a virgin well in to your 30's (where it ultimately becomes creepy and awkward to even attempt to date a self respecting and dignity having woman), follow the instructions at the bottom of this post.


I'm Lee. But my friends call me Lee. Aren't I a colorful individual? If you'd like to bombard me with hate mail, please send a message to leecooper@1guy0job.com

It's like a hang nail. Really, it is.

I avoid manual labor like police did Harlem. I hate working, and I especially hate working hard. Which is why I developed the following method: I don't work. That's right. I have a job, sure. Who doesn't these days? I see kids working at the grocery store, girls hookin' corners, teenage criminals; everyone is making a living. But, me? I'm just sitting in an office, bored as can be just writing this blog, pretending to work.

I think the message I'm trying to convey is that college is important. Well, that and sucking co- shit, my boss is coming!

Video Game Violence. Ha Ha Ha.

Let me just grab that car you're driving officer, and while we're at it, let me bludgeon you with my brass knuckles and take your weapon. A baton? Damn! I was sure you'd have a gun.

Violence has always been a topic of debate in the United States (most rightfully), but people tend to skip over Gaming as a form of entertainment. It's acceptable, though slightly inappropriate, to watch a woman getting raped for 7 minutes in a film considered to be a classic, but it's wrong to watch your character in GTA get the royal 10 dollar treatment in the front seat of the car he just stole at gunpoint. I've visited an unhealthy amount of hookers in GTA, not because it was entertaining, nor because it was fun, but to prove to myself that it's harmless. I've killed in the hundreds of thousands. I've slaughtered innocent pedestrians for no reason other than my mayhem fueled attention span. I've committed unforgivable crimes, evil, disturbing crimes. Yet, I'm not in a prison cell with a man staring at me like it was our honeymoon. I sit here in my office, a belt full of murderous notches, smiling. I can't speak for the world, hell, sometimes I struggle to speak for myself, but I don't see the harm in violent video games.

ESRB ratings should be enough to alert parents of whether or not a game is appropriate for their child. I see violence in video games no different than in a movie, and as long as your child understands that movies are a work of fiction, why shouldn't he receive the same message from a video game? We give teenagers the credibility of a 4 year old bipolar chimp. If someone brings daddy's gun to school and murders his classmates with no particular motive, other than playing a violent video game prior to the event, the crazy sonamabitch was going to tilt over the edge eventually with or without the help of a game. Parents need to come to terms with the fact that the video game industry is developing, and with advancment comes a whole new array of methods in which to kill a hooker for the sole purpose of getting your hard earned money back.

Give me my 10 dollars you wretched wench, I am unsatisfied with your below average services!
"But sir, we never made bada-bing in yo' car, you didn't take me to an area which was isolated enough".