Public bathrooms are a good place to hang out if you're in the search for a life threatening STD or a shady character selling pills that he claims are ecstasy, but are probably just condensed baby laxative or Tylenol PM. It's not just the toilet rim that is infested with bacteria and possibly hepatitis, either. It's everywhere. Nobody washes their hands after urinating. Of course, some guys run the sink water so the people in the stall think that hands are being washed, but nobody truly does. Nobody.
Even with all the evidence that public bathrooms are the number one hangout for infectious diseases, gangs such as the Bloods & Crips, and serial killers like Son Of Sam, my problem is with something completely different. I hate when the person in the stall next to yours tries to spark a conversations while dropping the brown bombs. Repainting the toilet is a sacred process, and requires concentration and silence. But, there's always some fat-fuck with an agenda to tell you about his "make believe" wife, pet ferret and mint condition Pokemon card collection. What can you do the next time a lard tries to initiate small talk in the bathroom? Simple, pee on his shoes from your stall. Whip out the saber, aim and fire. He'll probably be shocked for several seconds (which will give you prime time to wipe your ass), then he'll follow his gasp of anguish with a slippery attempt to rise from the toilet seat, most likely resulting in his collapse. See, the good thing about urine is that it's slippery, like most liquids on a marble (or ceramic tile) floor.
You're free from the clutches of random conversations with strangers, now what? You wait for him to emerge from the restroom by hiding behind a fat waitress, and follow him to his seat at the restaurant, or comic book store (the only two places fat people are known to frequent). He'll take his seat, and either dive back in to his burger or superman collectors edition issue. Approach his table with caution, fat people are known to become alarmed and screech at a high tone that could cause your ear drums to explode. Now, take a seat across from him and spark a random conversation about things fat people like.
Things fat people like:
1: Food
2: Comic books
3: Drive Thru
4: Large Mattresses
5: Cats
Befriend the beast, and soon you will be invited in to his lair. Once inside the man cave of this monstrous behemoth, ask if you could possibly use his bathroom. Inside of the toilet room, lift the top part of the toilet tank, bend your ass in as flexible a position as you can and shoot diarrheal missiles in to the top tank of his unsuspecting chili bowl. Now flush, and RUN. Don't wipe, there's not time! RUN! His entire house will smell like shit for weeks!
Oh wait, fat peoples houses already smell like shit. Damn, oh well.
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