A Diary Of Last Friday - Part 1

This is an old blog post from a myspace blog I once had. I'll be posting the entire series for you people to ignore and never read.

I woke up in the morning (Morning... 1:06pm) and I thought to myself, what better way to start my day than by taking a walk? I decided not to however, after becoming quite involved in the episode of "Fairly Odd Parents" that was on T.V.

2:00pm: I walk in to the kitchen from my bedroom. I grab a coke.

2:01pm: I realize that the cat had been drinking out of my cup. I immediately find him and toss him against the wall. Fucking bastard.

2:08pm: I decide that since I have already been up for over 35 minutes, it's as good a time as ever to grab some Bacardi 101.

2:10pm: 13 shots later I am inebriated. Several friends decide to stop by randomly... For some reason my place has become a hangout spot.

2:30pm: I begin making impossible bets with my friends involving extreme physical strength and pass out in the bathroom while taking a piss.

2:43pm: I open my eyes only to find myself covered in red lipstick. I notice that my pubes have been shaven to look like a Mexican style mustache. I am very aggravated.

2:50pm: I declare my hunger out loud in my empty home. I grab a coat and make my way out of the front door (Note: There is no back door).

3:00pm: I approach the supermarket and am greeted by a manly looking lass. I feel intriguingly attracted to her/him. I decide to dedicate several minutes in the public bathroom to release my never to be born children on to the already cum drenched toilet seats of "Food Lion" (because lions have so much in common with supermarkets).

3:01pm: I am relieved. I walk out of the supermarket bathroom when I realize that I forgot my wallet at home. I ask the manager if I could borrow his car by stripping the keys from his belt buckle. He does not approve of this, and calls security.

3:06pm: I am being dragged out of Food Lion by a short but tempered Latin security guard. I insist that I am innocent. He is either ignoring me, or does not speak English... or both.

4:00pm: I am back at the house. I feel empty inside, and decide to sleep off my anguish.

2:00pm: I wake up. I am very tired and agitated. I can feel the cat licking my balls. After several dozen licks I decide that this is a horrible thing to do without first feeding him.

Between 2:00pm and 6:00pm nothing of interest occurs. (I masturbate to some old 80's porn mags, warm up some Ravioli and watch a couple SpongeBob reruns.

6:21pm: I invite my neighbor over for a drink. He insists that he shouldn't as it may cause trouble due to a heart murmur and liver infection he "suffers" from. I tell him that he is speaking nonsense, and send him over a shot of Captain Morgan.

6:39pm: I try to ignore the ambulance sirens and ruckus coming from next door as I concentrate on pwning noobz on America's Army Online.

7:00pm: I decide to shower since it has been several days. I smell myself and immediately rush to the bathroom.

9:23pm: I wake up shriveled up in the bathtub, which I find to be odd considering I was showering. I check the side of my stomach for scars( for fear of being abducted by kidney thieves). I find nothing, and leave the tub.

9:24pm: My penis looks like a cashew. I gasp at the thought of it never returning to its full peanut size.

Nothing interesting or note worthy occurs between 9:24pm and 11:43pm. I worked the hand held vacuum trying to restore my testicular mass. This failed miserably, leaving my cashew size penis a hideous shade of purple.

11:43pm: My friend calls my cellphone and tells me that I have to come over. I tell him he is an asshole for shaving my balls and that I now feel like a woman. He argues that I was pretty much a woman beforehand, and tells me to just stop being a weazing vagina and come over. I comply.

1:00am: I purposely make extremely obnoxious noises when entering his house, banging on trash cans and mailboxes along the way. He calls me a jerk, I flash my male boob and rub it with the tip of my pinky. He is aroused, although he denies it.

Between 1:00am and 5:00am we played Mario Kart on his "Oh So Gay" Nintendo Wii while his sister masturbated to photos of me flexing my ass muscles. Okay, so the second part never happened, but I bet she wishes she had that photo.