Hello everybody and welcome to "The Dumbest Things That Women Say!". I'm your host: Lee Cooper, and in this segment we'll be discussing The Dumbest Things That Women Say Before Sex. I hope to make this a long series (until I'm sick of the subject matter or end up getting banned for sexism).
Segment Number One: The Dumbest Things That Women Say Before Sex!
ME
Our first guest is Todd. An average blue collar man, just grinding his work load.
TODD
That's right Lee.
ME
Tell us about your story!
TODD
(annoyingly long rant)
ME
So, you find her alone at the bar. She doesn't look particularly thrilled to be talking to you. She must be shy. You work your usual routine and in no time she's in the back of your rental car...
TODD
Yes!
Here's a depiction of what happened, along with the Woman's hilarious quotes!
WOMAN
Please stop!
TODD
(Silence)
WOMAN
Don't do this!
TODD
(Silence)
WOMAN
I'll give you my wallet, anything! Just please! PLEASE STOP!
TODD
(Laughter)
WOMAN
(Crying)
TODD
I'm sending this in to The "Dumbest Things That Women Say!"
END.
ME
And now you're here Todd!
TODD
Yeah, I am!
ME
Todd, you win a flatscreen TV for being awesome!
TODD
No Lee, you win a flatscreen TV!
ME
Ok fine, I'll take the TV but you can watch the game with me tonight! Bring some "women" (laughter)!
TODD
(Laughter)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Fat Girls Do Not Need Love... Despite Popular Belief...
I hate people. It's been a tradition of mine for years to scare the shit out of little kids as they approach my door on Halloween, hoping to receive free candy. Not on my watch. Every year I spend hundreds of dollars on delicious treats. Gummy Bears, Tootsie Rolls, Chocolate Bars and Sugar Snacks. I even go as far as decorating my home with state of the art decorations, such as webs, spiders, witches and accessories of the sort, ghouls and ghastly ghosts, devilish gravestones and skeletons. I pride myself on my patience, so I sit and wait. As soon as the kids come to my door, I kill em'.
Anti climactic, right? That's how I feel after watching "House".
I'd rather register as a sex offender, visit a preschool and masturbate with splintering building blocks than watch another episode of that suicidal thought inducing show. Sure, Gregory is a great character, but what's an arrogant asshole surrounded with sniveling retards? It's an arrogant asshole surrounded with sniveling retards. That's how simple it is.
I'm tired of hearing people speak of this travesty as highly as they do. I won't pretend to be enthralled. I'm sure the hate will be spread on thick, as this show happens to be a very popular one, but I couldn't care less.
Fuck you.
Anti climactic, right? That's how I feel after watching "House".
I'd rather register as a sex offender, visit a preschool and masturbate with splintering building blocks than watch another episode of that suicidal thought inducing show. Sure, Gregory is a great character, but what's an arrogant asshole surrounded with sniveling retards? It's an arrogant asshole surrounded with sniveling retards. That's how simple it is.
I'm tired of hearing people speak of this travesty as highly as they do. I won't pretend to be enthralled. I'm sure the hate will be spread on thick, as this show happens to be a very popular one, but I couldn't care less.
Fuck you.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Update For Those Who Hate Or Love
I've been hired to write a pilot for a show titled "Who Cares". Currently, that's all I can focus on. I'll update the blog when I fucking feel like it. But, in all seriousness, I'll update the blog when I fucking feel like it.
In the meantime, you can read all of my old posts and laugh, enjoy, hate. I do have several posts ready to go, but I'll be occupied for a while (the pressures of life and the rat race, trying to reach that cheese). In the fast paced world of writing, you never know what'll hit ya' next, so I'm saving those posts in case I can't update soon.
In the meantime, you can read all of my old posts and laugh, enjoy, hate. I do have several posts ready to go, but I'll be occupied for a while (the pressures of life and the rat race, trying to reach that cheese). In the fast paced world of writing, you never know what'll hit ya' next, so I'm saving those posts in case I can't update soon.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Do Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?
Do Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers? All I know is that they suck a lot of blood sausage. I'm constantly being pressured to "cut back on littering", "purchase a fuel efficient vehicle" and (my personal favorite)... "Not eat meat". My response: Fuck you.
The fact of the matter is, we as a race must eat meat to state our dominance on all living beings. If we stop eating beef, cows may feel stronger and less vulnerable to becoming steak, causing arrogance and incompetence. They may even attack. What we're really doing by eating meat is protecting the children. Think about that the next time you order the vegan dish. Fucking vagine.
...Not that it matters...
The fact of the matter is, we as a race must eat meat to state our dominance on all living beings. If we stop eating beef, cows may feel stronger and less vulnerable to becoming steak, causing arrogance and incompetence. They may even attack. What we're really doing by eating meat is protecting the children. Think about that the next time you order the vegan dish. Fucking vagine.
...Not that it matters...
Thursday, October 14, 2010
When You WIsh Upon A Star...
It was 3:00pm. I was at Sonic. She looked gorgeous in her employee uniform.
In reality, she never would have spoken to me without the series of unbelievably unrealistic lies I spurted while she took my order. It's her fault for being stupid. I wanted nothing more than to paint her back with penis paint. I had to make this work, and it had to happen tonight. She wasn't the prettiest flower on Grandmas tombstone, but she had the sexiest ass I had ever seen. I figured, even if she was hanging like a bridal vale I would simply pretend to slip and enter Mr. and Mrs. browns home for a short, but enjoyable visit.
At first, I was being selfish. Until I decided that me and my friend should perform an act that we've been planning for months, and she was the prime candidate. Houdini, here I come!
*TO BE UPDATED*
In reality, she never would have spoken to me without the series of unbelievably unrealistic lies I spurted while she took my order. It's her fault for being stupid. I wanted nothing more than to paint her back with penis paint. I had to make this work, and it had to happen tonight. She wasn't the prettiest flower on Grandmas tombstone, but she had the sexiest ass I had ever seen. I figured, even if she was hanging like a bridal vale I would simply pretend to slip and enter Mr. and Mrs. browns home for a short, but enjoyable visit.
At first, I was being selfish. Until I decided that me and my friend should perform an act that we've been planning for months, and she was the prime candidate. Houdini, here I come!
*TO BE UPDATED*
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Isn't It Amazing?
An unsettling situation indeed.
This Morning...
The beast I shared a taxi cab with was a hidious one. If you could see her personality it would look like a rabid dog attacked the fat removed via liposuction from an obese patients ass. With acne. And terrible, eye watering, skin melting, cheese/fish/old-mans-balls and ass breath. Usually when a girl develops in to a monstrosity as such, she develops one of a handful of decent qualities (whether physical or non-physical) such as:
1: Huge tits.
Huge breasts more than make up for a pan face or a nonexistent personality. I'd rather stare at chest-puppets than "talk" anyway, so it's a win/win as far as I'm concerned. The only issue with huge tits is that they usually come at the cost of constant complaining. Women with huge breasts feel they can justify complaining about back problems, compensating for their bitching with giant melons. It works.
2: Nice Ass.
Look at it this way, if she has a nice ass, fuck her doggy style. The only down side is that if you're in to money shots, you better have a load large enough to cover her face before you lose your boner.
3: Good Personality.
Like anybody really gives a shit about a girls personality.
An unsettling situation indeed.
This Afternoon...
Woman piss me off. I'm not sexist or anything, but ladies, know your place! Acknowledge that I, man, have dominion over you, and obey my commands. When I say give me your number, that means give me your number. Sample situation:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Girl sitting at the bar.
ME
Hey baby, you wanna' party like it's 1999?
GIRL
It's 2010 asshole, fuck off.
ME
Whoa whoa whoa, watch the hostility tootz.
GIRL
Leave me alone, asshole.
NOTE: She mustn't have seen the movie beetlejuice. Say asshole again, bitch.
ME
Give me your number.
GIRL
No asshole.
I pull out a gun and fire a warning shot at the bartender.
ME
Give me your number. Now.
GIRL
What the fuck! Are you crazy! Leave me alone!
I fire at shot at her ankle. She bleeds, crying, screaming for help.
ME
Number. Now.
GIRL
5..4 ugh, 0.. 5..5..5..9 ahh, 8, 5...0
ME
Thanks! Call you at 7!
End.
Also, plastic surgery is stupid. Megan Fox looks like she's had more plastic surgery then the entire porn industries chest region. Seriously, she went to Hollywood and found every nonexistent flaw to fix. She use to be tolerably cute, now she looks like skeletor's outfit. A jackal with leather skin that heckles as he pranks children in the wilderness, luring them in with promises of free porn and enjoyment but infesting their computers with a damn virus I haven't been able to get rid of, and of course Geek Squad couldn't help, even after spending $100 on their stupid deposit. What's with that by the way? And how come when I call a 900 number it comes up as a plumbing company on the bill. Now nobody believes I called a sex chat line. Also, did I actually get that girl "wetter than the inside of a water bottle" or was she bluffing? What the fuck is wrong with "Horny Teenage Hermaphrodite Sex Line" on the bill? Why does it have to be "Bills Excellent Plumbing". That honestly sounds worse... I don't have a damn house, why am I calling a plumber? What if my friends think it's a gay stripper service? What if it is a gay stripper service..? Oh shit... Ugh... Back on topic: A peacock with a bony facial structure resembling that of an aids riddled prostitute, not to mention the lips of a Nigerian field worker. Flies and all. I don't know if a guy should have sex with her or use her vagina as a vacuum. Megan Fox, that is.
I have to stand my ground: Reproductive organs with a mouth (which coincidentally can also be used to pleasure a man... when not speaking and containing a penis, of course. That was my suggestion to Oxford as the new definition for woman. Ok, maybe I am sexist. I blame the media.
Peace & Love, Lee. Oh, send your hate mail and comments to leecooper@1guy0job.com
This Morning...
The beast I shared a taxi cab with was a hidious one. If you could see her personality it would look like a rabid dog attacked the fat removed via liposuction from an obese patients ass. With acne. And terrible, eye watering, skin melting, cheese/fish/old-mans-balls and ass breath. Usually when a girl develops in to a monstrosity as such, she develops one of a handful of decent qualities (whether physical or non-physical) such as:
1: Huge tits.
Huge breasts more than make up for a pan face or a nonexistent personality. I'd rather stare at chest-puppets than "talk" anyway, so it's a win/win as far as I'm concerned. The only issue with huge tits is that they usually come at the cost of constant complaining. Women with huge breasts feel they can justify complaining about back problems, compensating for their bitching with giant melons. It works.
2: Nice Ass.
Look at it this way, if she has a nice ass, fuck her doggy style. The only down side is that if you're in to money shots, you better have a load large enough to cover her face before you lose your boner.
3: Good Personality.
Like anybody really gives a shit about a girls personality.
An unsettling situation indeed.
This Afternoon...
Woman piss me off. I'm not sexist or anything, but ladies, know your place! Acknowledge that I, man, have dominion over you, and obey my commands. When I say give me your number, that means give me your number. Sample situation:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Girl sitting at the bar.
ME
Hey baby, you wanna' party like it's 1999?
GIRL
It's 2010 asshole, fuck off.
ME
Whoa whoa whoa, watch the hostility tootz.
GIRL
Leave me alone, asshole.
NOTE: She mustn't have seen the movie beetlejuice. Say asshole again, bitch.
ME
Give me your number.
GIRL
No asshole.
I pull out a gun and fire a warning shot at the bartender.
ME
Give me your number. Now.
GIRL
What the fuck! Are you crazy! Leave me alone!
I fire at shot at her ankle. She bleeds, crying, screaming for help.
ME
Number. Now.
GIRL
5..4 ugh, 0.. 5..5..5..9 ahh, 8, 5...0
ME
Thanks! Call you at 7!
End.
Also, plastic surgery is stupid. Megan Fox looks like she's had more plastic surgery then the entire porn industries chest region. Seriously, she went to Hollywood and found every nonexistent flaw to fix. She use to be tolerably cute, now she looks like skeletor's outfit. A jackal with leather skin that heckles as he pranks children in the wilderness, luring them in with promises of free porn and enjoyment but infesting their computers with a damn virus I haven't been able to get rid of, and of course Geek Squad couldn't help, even after spending $100 on their stupid deposit. What's with that by the way? And how come when I call a 900 number it comes up as a plumbing company on the bill. Now nobody believes I called a sex chat line. Also, did I actually get that girl "wetter than the inside of a water bottle" or was she bluffing? What the fuck is wrong with "Horny Teenage Hermaphrodite Sex Line" on the bill? Why does it have to be "Bills Excellent Plumbing". That honestly sounds worse... I don't have a damn house, why am I calling a plumber? What if my friends think it's a gay stripper service? What if it is a gay stripper service..? Oh shit... Ugh... Back on topic: A peacock with a bony facial structure resembling that of an aids riddled prostitute, not to mention the lips of a Nigerian field worker. Flies and all. I don't know if a guy should have sex with her or use her vagina as a vacuum. Megan Fox, that is.
I have to stand my ground: Reproductive organs with a mouth (which coincidentally can also be used to pleasure a man... when not speaking and containing a penis, of course. That was my suggestion to Oxford as the new definition for woman. Ok, maybe I am sexist. I blame the media.
Peace & Love, Lee. Oh, send your hate mail and comments to leecooper@1guy0job.com
Saturday, October 9, 2010
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